She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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