Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
