I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
