it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
