i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
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she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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