Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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