i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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