I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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