Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
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Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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