clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Those nachos came to me in a dream
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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