I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
