If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
