I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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