the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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