This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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