My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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