The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
