when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
