What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You need a sexual gate keeper
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
