dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
