When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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