I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know her cup size but not her name....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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