I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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