If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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