i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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