3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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