I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize