she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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