1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
