i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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