i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
