I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
