I faked an abortion last night.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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