My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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