How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
