just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
