Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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