no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
