Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
