After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
