This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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