Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
