On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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