I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My bed smells like the plague
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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