I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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