you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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