im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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