i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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