I'm lost and stupid without you.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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