I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
