I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
