Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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