My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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