My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
