Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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