I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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