I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
